If you experienced ongoing insecurities as a child, you are aware of how challenging it may be to get over them. I see my insecurities, which are numerous, as stones in my brain, around which build all the characteristics that define who I am: my identity, my personality, my hobbies. At some point, the stones feel too deeply embedded to ever be completely removed since they are so intricately entwined with the roots, moulding and defining them. Experts say it’s not impossible, though.
Even though they might be annoying, insecurities are a typical aspect of being human, and it’s common to believe that they hold greater significance and power than our positive traits. Psychotherapist Liz Kelly, LICSW, asserts that “our brains are naturally wired to pay more attention to the negative than the positive.” When you take into account the lifestyles of the earliest people, these evolutionary theories make sense. “It [used to be] more important to know if a man-eating tiger was around the corner, rather than delighting in a rainbow or a butterfly,” adds Kelly. However, in today’s society, “paying too much attention to our negative thoughts can get in the way of our happiness, productivity, and ability to connect to others,” according to her.
We frequently think negatively about our lives, identities, and successes, among other aspects of ourselves. We are prone to feel inadequate in comparison to others, which breeds emotions of insecurity. Some of these fears, which have roots in infancy, are often exacerbated by social media. Therapist Hazel Navarro, LICSW, notes that those with perfectionist tendencies can be especially vulnerable. “They may be naturally gifted in some areas, yet expect to be amazing in all areas,” she adds. The realisation that they aren’t flawless at everything causes their self-esteem to plummet.”
For a great deal of us, our fears have been a part of who we are for so long. Even if these fears seem to run deep and are rather strong, there are strategies to get over them and lead more transparent and self-assured lives.
How to Get Over Your Low Self-Esteem and Insecurities
In the end, insecurity stems from a sense of not measuring up, according to psychotherapist Whitney Goodman, LMFT. “It causes us to feel like we won’t be accepted by others and won’t achieve our goals.” According to Goodman, it’s true that anxieties might occasionally have a legitimate basis and call for some level of acceptance. For example, if you’re insecure about your height, you shouldn’t spend your life battling that fact. Differentiating between the truth (e.g., “I’m short”) and the narrative (e.g., “I’m short, which means people will never take me seriously at work or in relationships”) is difficult. It all boils down to recognising your fears more clearly and utilising acceptance and self-compassion to weaken their hold.
Although it takes time to overcome ingrained fears, there are steps you can do to start boosting your self-esteem. Expert advice from therapists is provided here.
- If you find yourself dwelling in negativity, take a few deep breaths : “When you catch yourself spiralling down into self-criticisms, stop and breathe,” adds Navarro. Try taking five breaths, holding them for five, and then letting them out. She explains that doing this will soothe your body and anxiety while interrupting your negative thought cycle.
- Be curious when you approach your insecurities : When you’re at ease, consider what caused your insecurity. “Allow yourself to notice the specific emotions that are arising and what might have been the catalyst for them,” according to Katy Oberle, IMFT. Perhaps you were feeling down or anxious when you saw a picture of someone on social media who appeared to be “perfect,” leading you to believe that you were unworthy. “In that moment, you can remind yourself that you are unique and worthy, and that perhaps social media isn’t serving you well in that moment,” Oberle explains. After that, you can decide to close the app and set your phone down. You may also want to restrict the amount of time you spend on applications that give you anxiety or muffle accounts that give you that feeling.
- Face your inner critic head-on : You can attempt to externalise your fear by assuming that your critical voice is someone you can communicate with face-to-face. “Use positive self-talk to say things like ‘I am doing the best I can,’ ‘I am enough,’ or ‘My worth is not dependent on my productivity,'” advises Kelly. “I often advise my clients to give their inner critic a funny name to help them realise that thoughts are not facts.”
- Keep your mind clear of anything bad : “While our minds are capable of processing a wide range of information, not everything that comes to mind is real,” LCSW Stephani Bradford states. She gives a quick tip on how to keep in mind that every notion is just that—a thought, no more real or potent than any other. Just preface any unpleasant idea you are having with, “I am having the thought that…” Consider the two phrases: “I’m having the thought that I’m a failure” and “I am a failure.” See how your response varies to each. “It may feel like the thought is more distant or muffled and not as intense,” Bradford states.
- Identify some of your best qualities about yourself and work on being kind to yourself : “Practicing self-compassion, using positive self-affirmations, and recognising the value of the things they are insecure about can help increase one’s self-worth and help them feel better about themselves and what they have to offer others,” says Holly Schiff, a psychologist. Additionally, it’s important to remember that self-compassion “is neither self-pity nor self-indulgence,” according to PhD psychologist Houyuan Luo. “Instead, it is about having kindness and understanding for yourself.”
- Write down your fears in a journal : Speaking with others about your fears can be beneficial, however it may naturally be frightening. Journaling about them can seem like a safer place to start, according to therapist Rhonda Boyd, LPC. “By doing this, my clients can better understand their feelings and work through them on their own time without feeling like someone else is judging them or telling them what to do.”
- Try therapy : According to Kailey Hockridge, LPCC, you should think about seeking treatment from a therapist if your insecurities are still causing you problems or if you believe that they are interfering with your day-to-day activities. “In therapy, you have an opportunity to develop skills to help you cope with your emotions, explore your history, and engage in your relationships in ways that feel good for you.”